Sandy Sez
Sandy Sez

Dear Sandy,
    I have discovered that my friend has lied to me. I always thought that she was dishonest, but this time I caught her directly in a lie. The lie was unnecessary. She called me wanting to gossip about a past relationship of hers. When I questioned why she was still interacting on Facebook with this person, she said she deleted the person as a friend. I had a feeling she was lying to me. A week after she told me the lie, I went to her Facebook page and saw that she had not deleted this person at all. I am so annoyed at her. I want to call her and tell her to stop lying to me.


Dear R.B.,
    It is so annoying when friends are dishonest and it definitely impacts one’s ability to trust the other. As we all know, the greater level of trust one has with another person, the closer the relationship.
    You could call your friend and tell her not to lie to you, but I do not think you will get the result you want. You cannot control what she does. She will most likely get defensive and lie again and you will be even more disappointed and frustrated. I would like to offer another perspective: Instead of trying to control your friend, use this experience to control yourself. Recognize your friend for who she is. Be careful to not see in her only what you want her to be. Lying is one of her characteristics. Do not expect more from her than she is able to give. Look to another friend for a more meaningful and honest friendship.
    Ultimately, we cannot control others. Whenever you have the feeling that you want to control or change someone, look inside yourself and see what you need to control or change in yourself to make the situation easier for you. This is an important experience with a tremendous opportunity for growth.


Dear Sandy,
    I have a male friend who I have known for years. He and I are the only single ones in our group so when there are parties or weekend getaways, he and I go together, and if it is an overnight activity we stay in the same room. Lately, I have been getting some confusing signals from him. He has never asked me out or made a move on me, but he is starting to text me a lot asking me where I am and what I am doing. He seems to stand closer to me and doesn’t always want to leave when the activity is over. I am getting the feeling that he may want more than just friendship, however he has not directly let me know that this is what he wants. Is he waiting for me to make a move? I am not sure how to act around him anymore.


Dear L.M.,
    I can see why you are confused. Your friend may be interested in more than just friendship, but it is hard to know because he is not being direct. In general, straight guys and men do not want to be “just friends” with girls to whom they are not attracted. You can do a few things to eliminate your confusion. You can act the same way you have been and continue to be just friends and wait for him to act on what may be his feelings, you can decrease your activities with him (particularly the overnight trips–these can be confusing for guys), and/or you can speak to him directly about your feelings of confusion.
    In your letter you did not say whether you are interested in changing the relationship. If you are, you could share your feelings with him as well. I believe in clear and direct communication. This can be done in a casual way that should not negatively effect the friendship.


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Published in the Nov/Dec 2011 edition of the Old Towne Orange Plaza Review

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